


Where I Find Peace

by TinyBat



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Emotional Baggage, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-22
Updated: 2012-10-22
Packaged: 2017-11-16 19:43:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/543146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyBat/pseuds/TinyBat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's easy to pretend everything is okay when she gets back, but what Emma wants is to talk to someone who understands. It isn't who she had expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where I Find Peace

**Author's Note:**

> Emma has so much bottled up and I think it would be really good for her to just let it go. She did tell Snow that she was used to nobody making her a priority but her issues go deeper than that. 
> 
> title inspiration- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUto7WlC_Xw

It was too loud in Snow's apartment, that wasn't her fault though. A party had been thrown to celebrate Emma and Snow's return from the Enchanted Forest and it was just too much. By some miracle Emma had managed to slip away since Snow was coping well enough to play hostess. Emma found in herself in a situation she couldn't just shove aside and not deal with. Emma dealt with that by hopping in her car and just driving. It calmed her down. No thinking about the trip, no remembering, just driving. She thought about the people in town who had remembered instead; Graham first, but that hurt too much. Emma shoved that back into the locked drawer of things to deal with later. August, who was probably still walking around but in a decidedly puppet-like manner, she made a note to check for him. That left Jefferson; a knot formed in her stomach thinking of him so she pressed down harder on the gas to try speeding past the massive, twisted ball of emotion he brought up. 

Mad, he was mad. Mad but honest. Who better to open up to than a mad man though, who did he have to tell? Emma was only barely watching the road now, just allowing it to guide her. She was only half surprised when she arrived at the home of the Mad Hatter. She did owe him an apology after all, she could spit one out and turn around. Find somewhere else to process the snakes nest of feelings that threatened to choke her. Her father and Henry had told her that he and Grace had found each other so she wasn't surprised to see that lights were on and a child's bicycle by the front steps. A small part of Emma's chest tightened thinking about it, so there had been reunions on all fronts. She parked the car and fought off the creeping sense of nostalgia that was worming it's way up her spine. Marching resolutely up to the door and bracing herself to knock, the door opened. 

Grace was peeking out at her with a smile. "Hi Sheriff Swan! Welcome back! Can we help you with something?" The door opened further and Jefferson made an appearance. He looked shocked but only for a moment and covered wonderfully with what appeared to be a genuine smile. "Grace, sweetie. I think it's time you got ready for bed. I'll be up soon." The girl hurried off up the stairs and Emma stepped inside.

"Should I hide my telescopes Emma? Or do you have something else you want to talk about?" drawled the hatter. He moved around her with that same caged animal grace he had exhibited during her last visit here. It didn't do anything for her nerves and the stress that had been mounting since her return home was threatening to break her. "Your telescopes have nothing to fear from me so long as I walk out of here unharmed and relatively stable. I came to apologize I think..." Emma trailed off, why was she here? Surely just thinking about him wasn't enough to bring her to his doorstep. 

"You think?" Jefferson frowned and swept an arm out to the side, motioning towards a door next to the stairs. "Why don't you try sitting down and puzzling it out. I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind. And you really aren't the one who needs to apologize, but you know that." Emma still lost in half thoughts followed him. The room he'd brought her too was surprisingly warm and had a comforting feel to it. All autumn colored and disordered in the way a room for a family should be. Family, that was why she was here. Remembering made the cracks in the dam wider and sent a dull, throbbing pain through her chest. It was starting to feel like a chore keeping upright. How had she made it that long through the party?

"Jefferson, when I told you I wanted to believe that Snow was my mother, I really meant it. I wanted a mother so badly, I wanted a father, and a son too. I wanted a family. But I don't think I know how to have one. I didn't grow up with a family. I grew up with labels. Foster mother, foster father, foster sibling. I didn't have a name to them. I was never just Emma..." her voice was quavering now and she could feel her shoulders start to shake. Jefferson sat her down on a large brown sofa and gave her a pillow. She needed something to hold on to. He sat down a respectable and unthreatening distance from her but still on the couch, she looked near collapse. He watched her with sadness and understanding in his expression that he didn't seem to have a right to. 

"Never just Emma. Strange Emma, because I couldn't make friends with the other kids. Angry Emma because I knew the people I lived with only wanted the money that came with me. Dangerous Emma, I never had anyone care enough to look out for me. I had to look out for myself. I was never mother or daughter. Never Emma. I didn't think anyone would call me mother until Henry found me. I never imagined being somebody's daughter until I found my parents. It's too much. Too much to feel. I don't know how to be a mother or a daughter. I'm Emma to them, Henry's mom and Snow and Charming's daughter too. I don't know if I can do it..." she broke then, she knew it would happen. The sobbing started and overtook her body, drowning her bones. 

Jefferson was good with words, he was good with lots of things, but he had no words for this. Emma, the strong, ferocious, beautiful Emma finally opened her eyes and it was overwhelming her. He hadn't doubted her honesty when they met, anyone who'd spent so much time alone would want for family no matter how strange the circumstances. He wanted to reach out, to touch her, to give her comfort in some way but she was like a wounded animal. She might run. She was hurting now just like she had been when she had spoken of Snow and Henry that night. Then just like now, there was something about her that made him want nothing more than to make it stop. He understood her so clearly and just wanted the world to stop hurting her. 

"Emma..." he croaked. Her torrents of emotion threatened to drown them both and it touched him in the strangest way. She had no reason to be here yet here she was, letting her heart bleed out to someone she had every reason to hate. He did it, he moved a little bit closer and lightly rested a hand on her shoulder. Maybe feeling something would bring her back into a stable place. She let out a watery laugh and wiped at her eyes but she didn't pull away. "You called me Emma. You called me special too when I made your hat. Nobody had ever called me special before. For a mad guy you can be oddly considerate." Emma was coming back into her own now, tears were still dripping down her cheeks but the shaking had stopped. Still, his hand was on her shoulder and she hadn't shrugged it off.

"I'm not mad now Emma, I was right. But I suppose I can't rib you for it since it was you who proved that you were wrong. You are the mad one. You'll be an amazing mother Emma. The daughter thing will take getting used to though because you want it all your own way." 

"I must clearly be mad, I showed up unannounced at 10:00 at night and cried on your couch. You could be a very nearly perfect stranger! I'm not that lucky though. But I guess part of me knew you'd get it. Knew I could admit it to you. Who have you got to tell?" Emma wiped the tears from her cheeks and flashed a smile at the hatter, he quickly withdrew his hand, just in case she was in a mood to remove it herself. "Mad is relative especially here. My couch is open if you need to cry on it again. I do understand, you have a lot you need to catch up on and deal with. I'm going to give myself a moment of smugness because I like to think I helped you along your path to greatness, which as you pointed out I knew you had in you. You are special Emma, you're also broken too. Don't try to hold yourself together because you think you have to. Henry and your parents will understand. It's a huge adjustment for everyone." 

Jefferson stood up and stretched. Emma noticed not for the first time, that he was very tall. Or at least tall in comparison to her. She followed suit and dropped the pillow back onto the couch, shuffling her feet awkwardly. "So, what do you normally do to unwelcome, crying women?" Jefferson had to laugh at that, she seemed much better now. Like a weight had lifted off her shoulders. "Well, i'd get them a drink to start. I imagine we should forego that though. You're hardly unwelcome here, You gave Grace back to me. For that you're welcome any time you like." The pair of them walked to the front door in silence, too many thoughts between them to allow for words. Jefferson did manage to find some though. "Are you safe to drive? I can take you back into town." Emma shook her head. "I'm good actually, better than I've been since I got back. That world hopping hat of yours makes for a hell of an adventure. Thank you though. You should probably get Grace to bed, it's late. I kept the hat I made here, you disappeared so I threw it in my trunk. It's in my closet now but i'll bring it by tomorrow if you want. I have the feeling i'm going to need space. This was nice, and oddly it seems to be the space I need. So if you'll have me, i'd like to bring your hat back to you and maybe cry on your couch again soon."

"I'd like that. I'm curious to see about that hat anyway. Why don't we give the couch a break and maybe grab coffee at Granny's. Grace thinks I should be more social. You showing up reminds me that she's right. Drop the hat off around noon and we can do lunch. No more crying tonight Emma, please. You don't deserve things that make you cry. Besides, you might hit someone on the way back who isn't even half as charming as I am and that would just be a tragedy. Goodnight." They both laughed as they walked to Emma's car. His apology didn't need saying, by allowing her to speak without judgement he was apologizing. A strange sense of ease fell over both of them as she waved and called goodnight to him from her little yellow bug. He brought Emma peace, and when she drove away he realized that he could just exist in the moment with her beside him. Two broken people with anger and sorrow in their hearts were picking up the pieces of their lives separately but could assemble them together.


End file.
